


Dear Forever

by KaitlynSpeight



Series: Yours Truly [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Absolutely everything is implied), (I'm trying to make sure I get anything that could be a trigger), (It's really really not that bad I promise), Abuse, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Deanbenny(mentioned), Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, F/M, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Non-Graphic Violence, Oh also, Protective Sam Winchester, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 12,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitlynSpeight/pseuds/KaitlynSpeight
Summary: Sam sends a note to his dead ex every day, but what happens when he get's a reply?Based vaguely on my life and a song, mixed with an idea Sammysammydean gave me(if you can guess the song I owe you a cookie)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to pretend this isn't entirely self indulgent but like... I spent time writing it I'm gonna post it

_ Dear my always,  _

 

_ It’s been five years. Your memory is starting to lose its solidity, I can’t quite remember your laugh or how it sounded when you told me you loved me. Every word you’ve said to me has lost it’s meaning, getting muddled in five years of lessons and friends and heartbreak, yet I can remember the smallest detail of the time we spent together, the sparkle of the sunlight on the water in that summer by the lake, the taste of your lips still wet with tears when we lost him and the feel of your hand going slack in mine when I lost you. The sun feels colder somehow, without you at my side, the stars seem duller, even the moon seems haunted by your ghost, dull and lifeless, a pale replica hung in the sky by cheap twine. I miss you. God, I miss you, every minute of every day, your memory trails me like a ghost. My skin feels dirty, my clothes itch, even my hair hurts without your fingers running through it. I love you, always, my dear. _

____

 

____

Sam sighed, ripping the page out of his notebook and carefully folding it. He slipped it into his hiding spot, a hollow crevice behind a loose stone, and slapped some bills on the table before leaving. 

____

 

____

He would need to find a new place soon, the notes were nearly falling out of the hole, but it would work for a little longer at least. He closed his eyes against the flood of memories that always came when he did this, he really should stop doing this to himself, but he couldn’t. Not yet, maybe not ever.

____

 

____

He glanced down at his list, the lake was next, of course the lake was next, the place that all of this had started… He’d purposefully saved it for last, it had taken him five years to fill all of their drop zones with notes, they had had hundreds around the area, even more around the outskirts of neighboring towns and forests, he was surprised it’d only taken 1,825 notes, he’d expected to have longer, but there was only enough room for a few more notes, a few more days and he’d have to face it again, without her this time… 

____

 

____

He closed his eyes, pulling his collar up to the bite of the autumn air. A few more days… Only a few more days…

____


	2. Chapter 2

_ Dear my always, _

 

_ I miss our friends. I have a new group now, we have fun but… it’s not the same. The rope swing is gone, looks like it rotted away, I looked when I got here… I guess it’s not that much of a surprise, that thing was on it’s last leg when we used to come here. I could take my friends here now but it will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. Everything is boring compared to what we had… I’m sorry- I can’t write more today… I can’t be here anymore, I have to go… It hurts- so much more than anywhere else… I love you, always, my dear. _


	3. Chapter 3

_ Dear my someday, _

 

_ I’m sorry, I found your note and I was too curious to not read, I know I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. I don’t know how old it was, or if you’ll ever see this, but I wanted to say I’m so so sorry. I don’t know what happened, and I’m not going to tell you it will get easier, but at least you’re loved. You said yourself you have new friends, lean on them. You’re not alone, you don’t have to go through whatever happened alone. I wish I could help you, I hope things get easier for you, stay strong, and always keep fighting.  _


	4. Chapter 4

It took Sam a long time of reading and rereading the message before he decided whether or not he wanted to reply. On one hand this person had read his personal note, on the other he had left it stuffed in a hollow log, it wasn’t exactly hidden. Still, he had no idea if this person would find a reply or if he had just so happened to be passing through. Eventually he shrugged, the note had made him smile and it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he wrote a response. 

 

_ Dear tomorrow, _

  
_ Thank you, I don’t know what your goal was, but your message made me smile… You’re right, I’m not alone, I have a good set of friends I’m just not the best at being open. The note you read was to my fiance, she died - cancer, five years ago - and bringing her up isn’t the easiest thing for me. I’ll do my best to keep fighting, you keep being wonderful.  _


	5. Chapter 5

_ Dear my someday, _

  
_ I’m so sorry to hear that, what happened to the rest of that group of friends you mentioned? Can you talk to them, if they knew her too it might help. I’m glad I could make you smile, I’m not sure what my goal was with that note either, but I’m glad you aren’t mad at me for replying… I assumed it was private but I wanted to… I don’t know. I’m far from wonderful, but thank you. _


	6. Chapter 6

_ Dear tomorrow,  _

  
_ Most of the group is gone as well. Our best friend killed himself before she died, after she left there were two more, a couple we used to go on double dates with - yanno, the most disgusting cliche things we could think of, but they were hit by a drunk driver a couple months after she passed. The man died on impact, tried to shove her out of the way. She died in the hospital a few days after that… So I can’t really talk to them… Sorry - this is why I’m not really open, it’s kind of stupidly tragic and when I  _ do  _ bring it up it makes everyone uncomfortable, including me, because no one knows what to say and I wind up having to laugh it off and change the subject.  _


	7. Chapter 7

_ Dear my someday,  _

  
_ I’m so sorry, I would love to say I can help, make everything better, but I can’t… Nothing me or anyone else says will bring them back, as much as I wish it would. I can’t imagine the pain you feel, how alone and hurt and scared and pissed… I’m sorry. That’s really all I can offer. But what would they want? I’m not going to speak for them - I can assume, but I didn’t know them and I won’t presume to know what they would think - but think about that, yeah? Try to do what they would want. I’m sorry. _


	8. Chapter 8

_ Dear tomorrow,  _

 

_ They would want me to move on. I know they would, and I’ve tried, God have I tried. I’ve dated since her, I have a new group of friends, I’ve quit - mostly - all the things I started after I lost her… I’ve tried, but no matter what I do she’s always in the back of my mind. The people I date don’t deserve someone waking up next to them wishing they were someone else, and I always sabotage before it get’s to that point… as much as I want to give myself over to someone else - and as cliche and terrible as this sounds - I still belong to her… Thank you for trying to understand, I know you must have better things to do than to console a stranger, I never really expected this when I replied to your letter, please don’t feel obligated to keep talking to me, although if for some reason you want to, I’ll be here.  _


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear my someday,_

 

 _My mother died when I was very young, my father left soon after that. I was raised by two older brothers who spent more time fighting with each other than looking after me, I would often go days without eating because they would forget to feed me. Their fighting would keep me up at night, if I tried to get in the middle of them (only tried once) they would hurt me. Then one day - I was about ten by this point - one of them left, and the other became a dictator. I wasn’t allowed to have friends or talk to anyone or do anything other than homework and study. I was alone in the world and scared shitless he was going to hurt me - I left as soon as I could but_ ~~_the damage has_~~ _I still struggle to do basic tasks because of them._

  
_I’m not sharing this for pity or to steal your thunder - I just want you to know we all have our battle scars, we’ve all suffered, some more than others but that doesn’t make anyone’s pain less real. You deserve to have someone you can talk to, even if that’s just through letters stuffed in a hollow log, and as long as you keep replying, so will I. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m so so sorry you’re hurting, but you’re still here. You’re loved, people care about you, you’ll find your way eventually, I’m sure of it._


	10. Chapter 10

_ Dear tomorrow,  _

  
_ I’m so sorry, my ex - not Jessica - used to hurt me too… He was terrible, no one should ever have to suffer like that, especially not someone as kind as you. I suppose we all have our crosses to bare, some just have a harder time than others. Thank you for sharing your story, I wish I could offer more to help… If you need someone to talk to though, you’ve found him - I know how it is, the wounds may scar over but they still ache. I just wish I was the only one that knew that, I don’t want anyone else to go through that. Your brothers sound terrible, I’m glad you got away from them. Please be safe. _


	11. Chapter 11

_ Dear My Someday, _

 

_ I’m so sorry. I think I’ve said that more in this past week than I have in my entire life but… It’s all I can say. I wish there was more, I wish there was some magic phrase I could say that would make all the hurt and loneliness go away. But for now, tell me a happy story. What’s your favorite memory with Jessica? Something to make both of us smile. _


	12. Chapter 12

_ Dear Tomorrow,  _

  
_ My favorite memory with Jessica… Well it was the group I mentioned, Jessica, me, Aaron, and Jo. We used to all hang out in a field not far from here, it’s actually where I met Jess… Her ex used to beat her so she was hiding away when I went there for some quiet - sorry, that’s sad. But I was carrying Jessica around and Jo was riding Aaron’s shoulders, the girls decided on  jousting match… Jessica won, so we were gonna throw the loser in the lake but somehow Jo managed to get all of us in the water except for her. I guess that’s not that good of a story, but it was fun and one of the only memories I have with all of us, we didn’t all spend much time together, Jo and Aaron lived far away...What about you, what’s your favorite memory? _


	13. Chapter 13

_ Dear My Someday, _

  
_ That’s a perfect story, it sounds like a lot of fun, you must be strong if you can cart her around like that… My favorite memory… It’s not my own memory, my brother, Mike, he had a couple minutes here and there when he was nice, he told me about when we were kids, mom made us pancakes and we were all there, both my brothers, my mom and my dad... mom was singing and we just… Talk about not a good memory, it’s just one of the few times we were all together, when Mike and Luke were still nice and… I wish I could actually remember it. _


	14. Chapter 14

_ Dear Tomorrow,  _

 

_ That sounds beautiful, my big brother used to make us pancakes when I was little, he’s… not around anymore either. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly strong, although I guess I’m a big guy compared to most people. I’ve definitely been going to the gym more since Jess though so I’m stronger now than I was then.  _

  
_ If I can ask a personal question - why do you come out here every day? This is very out of the way no matter how you look at it, don’t you have better things to be doing then coming out here and writing to me?  _


	15. Chapter 15

_ Dear My Someday,  _

 

_ What happened to your brother? You haven’t mentioned him before, is he… Okay? You obviously don’t have to tell me, you haven’t had to tell me any of this, I'm just a curious person, but I guess that’s what started this whole conversation in the first place, huh? _

 

_ I’m an artist, I was working on a painting of the lake at sunset the first few days… Once I finished we were already in a conversation and I wanted to keep talking to you. I debated giving you my number once I didn’t have another reason to keep hiking out here but if I’m being honest the letter thing is intriguing, and it’s way more personal than anything else. With the topic of conversation it seemed fitting to continue as we were…   _

 

_ Plus like I said, I don’t really have the best social skills in the world, this is kind of nice, I have time to think about what I want to say and the only thing you know about me is what I tell you… It’s a nice break from everyone judging everything. _

  
_ P.S. You just got my whole life story, I don’t really think there’s a such thing as a ‘personal question’ _


	16. Chapter 16

_ Dear Tomorrow,  _

 

_ Well, he’s alive. He followed after my father, alcoholic… He’s not as abusive as good ‘ol dad though, just stupid and gonna get himself killed… Don’t get me wrong, he’s my brother and I’d die for him but it’s been years, he’s been in and out of rehab, even his son can’t drag him out of it...  I’ve been doing my best to put up walls, I don’t have the heart to keep getting let down…  _

 

_ That’s a better answer than I was expecting… I have no idea what I was expecting, but that’s better. Jessica was an artist, I never understood how she did it, I can hardly draw a stick figure, but I always loved watching her work. I’d love to see something of yours if you ever feel like it. _

 

_ I like the letters too, Jess and I used to drop them around, it was sort of a game… That’s what I was doing when this started, filling all the drop zones with letters to her, I’ve been working on it since she died… With you though, I agree. Everyone’s always so judgemental, hair clothes gender weight - it’s stupid. It’s nice to not have to worry about any of that. _

  
_ I guess you’re right, it just felt weird to ask about you  _ now _ … I don’t know why, we’ve been talking about our past and most of what I’ve told you I haven’t told anyone else but asking about anything in the present feels too personal. It’s weird, you don’t even know my name, I don’t even know if you’re a dude or chick, changing that feels wrong somehow. I don’t know I guess I’m just weird. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm a bit late posting today but like..... It was 4/20....


	17. Chapter 17

_ Dear My Someday, _

 

_ You can’t catch a break can you, I’m so sorry, again. My dad wasn’t much better after mom, and I guess we both have shitty brothers.. I get what you mean about hardening your heart, I’ve kind of had to do the same thing with my family, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’ve got enough shit going on without having to feel bad all the time because of your brother’s decisions… _

 

_ She was? That’s amazing, I’d love to see her work sometime, I’m sure it’s beautiful from what you’ve said… I don’t know she seemed artistic. I know that doesn’t really make sense. But that letter idea is actually really beautiful, you seem like a really good guy, you shouldn’t have had it so hard, you deserve better.  _

 

_ I kind of know what you mean, it feels weird to ask for your name - it would kind of break the spell? That’s the only thing I can think of to describe it, but lucky for you I don’t have a gender so I can’t really give anything away ;)  _


	18. Chapter 18

_ Dear Tomorrow, _

 

_ Oh well lucky me, unfortunately I’ve already given away my gender but you’ll never know my name so there’s that ;) I’ll have to see if I can get a picture of one of her paintings printed off to leave you, but only if you show me yours! _

 

_ She was really artistic, she liked music too… Played piano violin and guitar, sang… Basically she was just good at everything while I kinda just sat around eating paste. I have absolutely no idea what she saw in me - to this day I don’t get it, but whatever, she loved me.  _

 

_ I guess you’re right, breaking the spell and all. Right now we just kinda know each others worst times, it’d be weird to think of an actual human that has high points too… Not that I don’t think you’re human? Although you very well might be a bird or a unicorn or something, I don’t know. (If you’re a dog I’m keeping you though you don’t have a say.) _


	19. Chapter 19

_ Dear My Someday, _

 

_ I will work out your name, even if it’s the last thing I do! You’re gonna slip up before me Mister ____! Is it Dean? You strike me as a Dean, or maybe a Jared. I’ll try to get something printed off for you to go with the next note… But keep in mind it’ll be a picture of a painting you can’t be too mean to me because it won’t show everything right… I’m really not that good though, don’t get your hopes up.  _

 

_ She sounds amazing, I really wish I could have met her, I would have loved to talk shop with her. And I’m sure you have your high points too, sir, don’t put yourself down like that it’s not healthy. _

 

_ I am actually a unicorn, I also poop rainbows, although... I am a unicorn that has a pet dog so you can come visit him if you want, he’s a little shit but he’s my little shit and I love him very much, you’d probably like him too. He likes cuddles and cupcakes - just like his parent.  _

 

_ So do you think we’ve ever seen each other around? We live in the same area I’m sure we walk around in the same places… I’ve been paranoid lately, every guy I see I kind of wonder if it could be you, which I know makes no sense cause there are tons of people in this area but… it’s interesting. _


	20. Chapter 20

_Dear Tomorrow,_

 

_It is not Jared or Dean - but Dean is my brother’s name actually. So there’s that. This is so unfair now you know my gender and my brother’s and ex’s names but I still don’t know anything about you! ...aside from that you have a dog and I want to meet him and cuddle him always. I love animals but my landlord doesn’t allow them :( (and your gender - or lack thereof… And I guess you did mention your brothers names...)_

 

_I’m sure you’re amazing, but Jess was absolutely better cause her art was perfect - case and point, this is a doodle she did in approx. 2 minutes -_

  


_(I almost included the painting she did of us but I don’t wanna give up the mystique man- can I call you man? I don’t mean it in a rude way I call everyone man and since I don’t know your name…)_

 

_I was wondering the same thing, you haven’t really given much away about yourself and since you’re agender(gender fluid? Other?) I don’t even know where to begin looking for someone that might be you… At least you know I’m a fairly built dude, but yeah I’ve been thinking about it. Every time I go out I kinda wonder if maybe you’re the person ringing me out or the kid buying crisps or the one walking by outside… I don’t know I’m a bit paranoid myself, not that I’d ever know if it was you, I don’t even know how old you are._

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

_Dear My Someday,_

 

_Okay that’s a little weird, that was an absolute guess I hope you know that, I don’t secretly know you or your brother or anything. I’ll throw you a bone on my age, only cause I’m always told I don’t look it anyway. I’m 26, I don’t have any ex’s or I’d let you have that one too… My dog's name is Max though (I didn’t name him, he was a rescue - I’m much more original than that - you’re welcome to visit him if you want just bring him food and he’ll love you forever)_

 

_Holy shit! She’s insanely talented, I’m embarrassed to leave mine now… I still will but… Jesus she’s something else, if that's just a little doodle she should be in museums… (You should have included the one of you two I would have hunted you down and scared the shit out of you it would have been great I’m disappointed. Of course you can call me man, or dude, or girl, or potato… I consider you my friend and I’m pretty lenient around my friends since I know they aren’t calling me anything to be disrespectful… however it makes me very irrationally angry when people assume my gender. I know not everyone knows about gender identities and shit but it’s still annoying - just so you now - always refer to someone as them/they until they gender themselves. To be honest I think I’m  nonbinary but I identify as meh and my orientation is glitter.)_

 

_All of the above, I was every single one of those people - plot twist! I’m a unicorn remember I can shapeshift and be in multiple places at once, I’m just trying to figure out your type so you don’t fuck right off if you ever do see me._

 

__


	22. Chapter 22

_ Dear Tomorrow, _

 

_ I assumed it was just a lucky guess, although if you did secretly know me you should say hi… I would actually like to talk to you in person. How old do you look older then, older or younger? And I think Max is a good name, thank you very much! I will bring him all of the food and cuddle him forever.  _

 

_ Yours is amazing too, what are you talking about? But I do have to say hers is better, I'm kind of loyal, sorry… She really should be, I'll see if I can find something better - according to her - and show you some other time. (Okay, I'm really glad you consider me a friend:) I didn't know that, I'll try to remember to not gender people… it's not something I really think about, I'm very sorry about that… I'm pretty sure my orientation is also glitter, although it might be unicorn I haven't decided yet.)  _

 

_ Why would I leave when I saw you? Like I said, I don't really judge people based on looks. I think you're an amazing human and I would love to get to know you in person, although I still kind of like the whole whatever spell this has where we don't know each other... But I consider you one of my best friends, I would definitely like to meet you in person at some point and have a conversation without having to wait a day for a reply…  if you are ever interested in something like that of course.  _


	23. Chapter 23

_ Dear my Someday,  _

 

_ I would if I could kiddo don’t you worry, we’ll have to make plans to meet up sometime, you can buy me pancakes. They’re the best… But only after you’ve grown so insufferably attached to my shitty personality you won’t be able to leave when you see how awful I am in person.  _

  
  


_ Who knows! Some people tell me I look like a gross old man some people tell me I look twelve, I think it depends on the day, but I get younger more than older therefore you’re a pedophile how dare you. I mean it’s not a  _ bad  _ name but I wanted to name him something awesome like Barkiplier or Shane Dogson... but I’m sure he’d love that he’s a little attention slut.  _

 

_ Aw thank you, it’s nothing special if I’m being perfectly honest I did it in like twenty minutes while drunk  but I was pretty proud of the colors so I went with it. Excuse you I am the only person allowed to have glitter as their orientation, you can have unicorns. Which makes sense cause your ex was a unicorn and now she’s flying in the rainbows happy and free like she was meant to be  _ __ _ ❤ _

  
_ I dunno, I’m awkward in person, I’m too emotional and I tend to babble and react poorly to everything ever like you could ask me how the weather is and I’d freak out I’m insane it’s cool I’m aware of it and I own it. By having literally no friends. I’m really glad you consider me one of your best friends it really means a lot to me, you’re one of mine too, and we’ll have to schedule a meet up or exchange numbers but… Not yet… I’m still a bit scared you’ll leave and I really really like having someone to talk to, it’s been a long time. _


	24. Chapter 24

_ Dear Tomorrow,  _

 

_ I’m already pretty attached you know, you’re my best friend and I haven’t told anyone most of the stuff you know about me. My friend I know in person know I had a fiance named Jessica and she died, that’s all. They don’t know my ex used to hit me, don’t know I’m bi, don’t know about my dad or my brother… Some of them don’t even know about Jessica, I trust you more than I have anyone in a long time it doesn’t matter if you’re awkward or what you look like, that you were willing to listen to me and be here for me means more than that ever could.  _ __  
  


_ Okay I take it back the name Max is unworthy of such a creative genius, those names are absolutely beautiful. _

 

_ That was actually really sweet, I guess my orientation is unicorn, and I’m gonna be thinking of her like that from now on, thank you for that… Really.  _

 

_ So what if you’re awkward, you think I’m not? I jump to conclusions, I’m too loud, I swear a lot, I’m gross, I shed like a dog… I have plenty of my own things, I’m kinda scared you wouldn’t like me in person either, and I’d never leave you man. I care about you way too much, but whatever it takes to make you comfortable is fine with me.  _


	25. Chapter 25

_ I saw my brother today. He was walking out of the convenience store on fifth, I bolted in the other direction. Luke… The bad one… I don’t know what he’s doing in town, he moved to Ohio years ago, I haven’t seen him since. What if he sees me? He could have changed since he left I don’t know if he’ll still be the same as he was when we were kids but if he is… What if he hurts Max? I don’t know what to do I’m scared to leave my apartment… I had to take Max out for a walk so I’ve been cutting through the woods and thought I’d give you the update in case I vanish for a while… I’m sorry, I’m gonna try to keep replying.  _


	26. Chapter 26

_ Dear Tomorrow, _

 

_ You can come stay with me. I have a spare bedroom and I’m a big guy, I won’t let him touch you or the doggo. Call me (248)434-5508 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to call that number tho


	27. Chapter 27

_ Dear Tomorrow, _

 

_ Hey man, it’s been a week. I know you said you might be gone for a while but… I’m freaking out here and I don’t know what to do about it, I don’t even know your name, it’s not like I can look you up… Please reply I’m worried sick. _


	28. Chapter 28

_ Dear Tomorrow, _

 

_ Come on, please… _


	29. Chapter 29

_ Dear Tomorrow,  _

 

_ I miss you. _


	30. Chapter 30

“Max! Wait up you little shit!!!”

 

Sam’s head snapped up from his book- it was more habit at this point, he hadn’t talked to his… his what? Letter buddy? They never did exchange names… In over a month, he stopped even going to the lake a couple weeks back, and he’d never recognize them if he saw them anyway…

 

“Max, come on for fucks sake…” 

 

Sam chuckled when he spotted the little Jack russell, leash in his mouth, running down the walk while a short guy on crutches hobbled after it. He shook his head, jogging over and snatching the leash. “Come on little guy, give your daddy break…”

 

The shorter man sighed with relief, taking the leash from Sam and leaning heavily on a crutch. “Thanks, thought he was gonna run into traffic at that rate… Damn leg.” He smiled weakly, tapping his cast against the ground. 

 

“Yeah, I know that feeling, grew up with a big brother… Here, want me to take him? You can come sit and catch your breath.” 

 

“You’re a saint,” the shorter man sighed, handing the leash over and hobbling to Sam’s bench. “The names Gabriel…”

 

Sam chuckled, walking the dog over and packing up his book, curiously looking him over. “Sam… So how’d you break the leg? Max beat you up?”

 

Gabriel laughed weakly, shaking his head. “I’m an idiot, fell down the stairs…”

 

Sam raised an eyebrow, looking him over. “Hey I… Know this isn’t my place, but that’s bull. You look really beat up, are you okay..?”

 

Gabriel tensed, making a grab for Max’s leash. “You’re right, it’s really not your place, thanks for the help but I think we should get going now.”

 

Sam bit his lip, watching as Gabriel struggled to stand. Well he already fucked that all up, might as well go out on a limb. “Was it Luke?” 

 

Gabriel froze, every muscle in his body tensing. “How do you know my brother’s name..?”

 

Sam bit his lip, slowly pulling himself to his feet. “You told me… You told me he showed up again and you were scared, I told you to come stay with me, but you never got my message. I hated myself for not giving you my number, I’ve been worried sick about you.” 

 

Gabriel turned to face him, eyes widening as realization dawned on him. “Y-you… It’s you..?”

 

Sam nodded, biting his lip. “And I’m really glad it was you cause if it wasn’t I would have just sounded like a crazy person. Uh- sorry I called you his daddy, I didn’t- I know it was bad of me to assume gender, I’m a piece of shit.”

 

Gabriel blushed, shaking their head. “I’ve been going by male pronouns anyway… Luke moved into my apartment, I can’t… he won’t leave so I’ve just been…” 

 

Sam shook his head, taking their hand. “You’re staying with me. Come on, I’m going with you to get some stuff, I have a guest bedroom, you’re not going back there.”

 

“You- I can’t do that! We don’t know each other, I just learned your na-”

 

“I know you’re an amazing human that’s been hurt by everyone they’ve ever cared about, I know your favorite food is pancakes because it reminds you of your mom and you’re funny and sweet and don’t deserve anything this world has thrown at you. I also know your best friend is your dog and I’m the only person you talk to, in other words I’m the only one who can help you right now when you so obviously need it. Come on, we’re going to get you some clothes then we’re going to my place where you’re going to eat food and get some much needed sleep.”

 

Gabriel hesitated for another moment before nodding, holding out Max’ leash to Sam and looking down as he hobbled along the sidewalk. “Luke should be home right now… You can wait outside if you want, I don’t want him to hurt you.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes, smiling slightly as he trailed behind him. “Dude look at me, I can handle myself. I’ll throw him down the fucking stairs if he tries anything.”

 

Gabe hesitated for another moment before nodding and leading the way to an apartment complex. “This isn’t weird? We don’t know each other… Not really, I mean, you could be a serial killer for all I know.”

 

Sam snorted, gently taking Gabe’s bag from their shoulder. “You know my life story, but as for present day, my name is Sam Winchester, I’m a lawyer, twenty-four, taurus, and I love animals. Anything else you wanna know?”

 

Gabriel snorted, leading him down the hall and unlocking one of the doors, cautiously peeking in. “I’m Gabriel Milton, I’m a freelance artist, I’m twenty-six, a cancer, and I also love animals. So why don’t you keep the little one safe out here?” 

 

Sam rolled his eyes, scooping Max up and following Gabriel inside. “I’ll keep the little one safe right here, and no one will touch this dog I’ll kill ‘em.”

 

Gabriel burst out laughing, nodding and quickly hobbling to their room. “Whatever you say, you stubborn shit. Just because I don’t hear him anywhere, though, otherwise I’d be fighting more.” They smiled shyly, hobbling around and struggling to pack their bag quickly. Before they could finish, though, the sound of the front door slamming sent them startling back and nearly falling onto the floor - if Sam hadn’t been there to catch them, of course.

 

“You have to go, get out, before he-”

 

“Gabe I’m not going anywhere, I can take a punch, you’ve dealt with enough, just finish packing. Besides, I’m sick of saying ‘I’m so sorry’, I’d much rather actually do something to help you for once.”

 

Gabe nodded slowly, taking a breath and turning back to their bag, trying not to notice when the door to their bedroom swung in.

 

“And who’s this, little brother? Got yourself a boyfriend? Fucking fag.” 

 

Sam snarled under his breath, setting Max on the bed and drawing himself up to his full height. “Matter of fact he does, wanna try that again?” 

 

“Excuse you? You better learn some fucking manners, kid. Gabriel I’m ashamed, even you could do better than… This. I hope you haven’t caught anything.”

 

Gabriel growled under their breath, doing their best to step forward, only to stumble weakly against Sam’s side with a yelp of pain. “You can say what you want about me, but you leave Sam out of this. He’s amazing, you don’t even deserve to stand in his-”

 

Luke swung, and Sam threw Gabe back onto the bed. “Oh thank God,” he hummed, easily catching the next punch and twisting Luke’s arm around. “Not so easy to pick on someone your own size, is it hon. Now what do we say?” 

 

Luke snarled, struggling in his grip and lashing out as best as he could. “Get the fuck off me you creep. This has nothing to do with you, get the fuck off.”

 

Sam clucked his tongue, throwing Luke hard against the wall and pinning him with an arm across his neck. “The correct answer was ‘I’m sorry, Gabe,’ now, are we gonna do this the easy way or do you really wanna get your ass handed to you?”

 

Luke spit at him, and Sam smiled. A feral, twisted thing, as he wiped his face. “Good. Gab, why don’t you finish packing. I think your brother and I are gonna have a nice little chat.” 

 

Gabriel nodded slightly, staring wide eyed as Sam dragged Luke out of the room and doing their best to ignore the sounds of a fight starting almost immediately when they were out of sight. 

 

By the time Sam wandered back in, a bloodied Luke stumbling behind him, Gabriel had finished packing and was curled up with Max in the bed. “Luke here had something he wanted to say, sweetheart… Go on.” Sam purred, shoving him forward and crossing his arms. 

 

“I-I’m s-sorry, Gabe, I’m sorry for everything.” 

 

Sam smiled, hauling him up and shoving him back out. “Good boy, now fuck off.” 

 

Luke nodded, tripping over himself as he ran out of the room. 

 

“He should be out of your hair within the week, but you’re still staying with me for a while, that asshole isn’t gonna touch you again.” Sam hummed, offering them a hand up and taking Max’s leash. 

 

“Y-you didn’t have to… I- you…” Gabe slowly took the hand, pulling himself up and staring up at Sam. 

 

“It’s not a big deal, I’m good in a fight, I’ve had plenty of practice… Shitty ex’s remember? Come on sweetheart, let’s get you someplace safe.”

 

Gabe nodded slightly, staring blankly as Sam grabbed their bag and hobbling after him. “Thank you…”

 

“Of course, Gabe, someone’s gotta take care of you, after all.”


	31. Chapter 31

Living with Sam is much easier than Gabriel had expected. Despite not  _ really  _ knowing each other when they had moved in, things went smoothly. They got along perfectly, their routines worked well around each other, and other than a small handful of menial things (i.e. Sam got up way too early and didn’t have any freaking sweets in the house. What kind of monster.) everything was perfect. 

 

So perfect, in fact, that Gabriel wasn’t in any sort of rush to leave. Sam didn’t seem to be in a hurry to kick them out either, and was always quick to flop down on the couch with them at the end of the day and watch whatever shitty shows came on Sam’s little TV. So… They didn’t bring it up, they enjoyed the easy company, Sam seemed to too, they were  _ working  _ in all the ways Gabriel hadn’t even considered they might. Sam liked their dog, Sam liked their company, Sam liked their cooking, Sam liked  _ them _ . So they stayed. 

 

As the months passed, Gabriel started trying to offer to pay rent, which Sam quickly shrugged off every time, but they did try. And they did start doing their share of the housework, grocery shopping, and even snuck back to their apartment for some more clothes and necessities once their leg was fully healed. 

 

A move they quickly regretted when Sam sat up during one of their evenings together, shutting off the House rerun and turning to face Gabe. “Hey, so about you staying here…”

 

Gabriel froze, their blood running cold. “Yeah man, I’m sorry, guess I just sorta nested, I’ll get out of your hair tomorrow. I’m sure Luke’s long gone by now.”

 

Sam paused, cocking his head to the side and taking a measured breath. “Oh… Okay…”

 

“Is that… Not what you were gonna say?” Gabriel asked slowly, taking in his tense posture and smile. A charming little smile that might be able to fool anyone else, but Gabe’d seen that smile. That was the smile he pulled when the rent was raised unexpectedly, when he lost a case and worked himself into a panic over it. So why was it being used at them?

 

“I was… Well I was actually wondering if you wanted to make this a permanent thing… I thought it was going that way and I just wanted to make it official but… It’s fine, I should have figured you’d wanna get home.”  His smile got tighter, and his eyes shifted everywhere except for Gabriel’s. 

 

That was worse. That was the look he got when his brother had called to tell them their dad died. When a nurse called to tell him Dean had OD’d again. It was the ‘my world is crashing I just can’t let anyone see’ smile. 

 

“Please don’t look at me like that… Why do you look like that? I’d love to move in, I just thought… I’ve invaded your space long enough, you can’t give me the kicked puppy look, stop that.”

 

Better, that was the look he got when Dean’d met someone new. When he got his one month chip. “I like having you around… You make it easier… I… You know I wasn’t doin’ so hot when we started talking, with you around it’s… I feel like I can breathe again. For the first time in years, and I just… I don’t want to go back to drowning.”

 

Gabriel smiled, pulling Sam into a tight hug. “I’m so glad I can help… I feel good with you too I… I know I should have asked a while ago but I was scared if I brought it up you’d kick me out, I just thought I’d overstayed my welcome, but I don’t want to go.”

 

Sam relaxed more. The same relieved boneless cuddle-hug Gabriel had gotten when Dean had gotten his five month chip and called to say him and Benny were getting married. Gabriel didn’t warrant even close to that kind of reaction. “Thank God, I mean… You’re free to move out any time, I’m sure you’ll meet someone or want your space or… whatever eventually, but I’d really like if you stayed…”

 

Gabriel scoffed, hugging him back just as tightly and lightly stroking the silk-soft hair that was tickling their nose. “Please, you’re the hot one here moose, you’re the one who’s gonna find someone and want me out of their life, feel free to kick me out whenever, but till then I’m gonna stay right here.”

 

Sam snorted, shaking his head. “This is kinda… It for me, I don’t think I have a serious relationship left in me, but I guess that works out. I’m perfectly happy with you sticking around… For as long as I can keep you.”

 

“Suppose now is a bad time to mention we’ve  _ basically  _ been in a relationship since I moved in, then?” Gabriel had said it as a joke, but the way Sam immediately abandoned their hug and stared at them didn’t make it seem so funny. “I just mean- we live together and we- I was just kidding, please don’t be piss-”

 

“You’re right.” 

 

Gabe frowned, biting their lip. “I… Know I am, it’s just circumstance though, I mean it’s no big deal.”

 

Sam shook his head, finally breaking the dead stare and looking sheepishly down at his hands. “No I mean… You’re right. You’re really right, we’re basically dating. You… were just supposed to stay for a couple days while Luke fucked off but now we spend all our time together, we talk all the time, we... and I… I just asked you to stay. Permanently. Instead of sabotaging this and…”

 

“But we’re not dating… You don’t sabotage friendships, I’ve met your other friends remem-”

 

‘But I keep them at arm's length. I don’t talk to them like I do you, I haven’t told them everything I’ve told you, the only other people that know everything… I blocked them out of my life. Not you, I’m comfortable talking to you, I can- I’m sorry- sorry, I just… I haven’t… This is new, and weird, and I like it, I’m gonna stop talking before I fuck it up.”

 

“Do you wanna..?”

 

“Wanna what..?”

 

Gabriel bit their lip, shifting uncomfortably. “Date..? I mean… Just how you were talking… If you wanted to I… I’m sorry, probably reading into that, I have a bad case of foot-in-mouth-itis, don’t mind me.”

 

Sam shook his head, hesitantly taking their hand. “No I… That’s where I was… Well, where I was thinking about… I just… I like this. I like how we are, and I have a bad… I think I like you too much to ask you out.”

 

“That makes absolutely no sense,” Gabe laughed, squeezing his fingers and settling back into the cushions. “But whatever floats your boat, now put House back on you jackass I like this episode.”

 

Sam laughed, relaxing and flicking the TV back on readily, “whatever you say asshole.” He made no move to let go of their hand, and Gabriel gave no indication they were letting go anytime soon either. “But we’ve seen it a hundred times, you just wanna see Hugh Laurie singing.”

 

“Absolutely the fuck I do, he rocks that top hat and you know it.” And just like that it was back to normal. Or, Sam thought it was. “I’d say yes, you know… If you were ever so inclined to ask.”

 

He didn’t have a response to that, he could ask, but he was nowhere near ready for that, he could say he never ask, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for that either. So he just stayed quiet, watching the same episode they’d seen a hundred times, listening to Gabriel as they eagerly sang along, feeling the warmth of their hand in his, and maybe, possibly wondering what it would be like if he could work up the nerve to pull them closer, hold them against his chest, instead of just cling to their fingers.

 

Maybe. 

 

Probably not though, because that would mean thinking about a real relationship, and he didn’t do those.... But… maybe he wanted to try. 


	32. Chapter 32

The more time passes, the more obvious it is to Sam that he’s never going to be able to forget about that conversation. He figured he’d be able to shove those thoughts out of his head after a week or so, Gabriel was good, they were good as they were, happy how they were, but once the idea had been planted… He couldn’t forget it. 

 

As much as he wanted to go back to how things had been, to working around each other, spending their days working on their own thing, watching TV together in the evenings, and curling up in their own beds at the end of the night, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop the thoughts from popping into his head- what would it feel like to curl up with them at the end of the night, hold them close on the couch, kiss the smudge of chocolate off of their lips.

 

But he didn’t do relationships. Every time he tried it blew up in his face, and he couldn’t lose Gabriel. He just couldn’t, they meant too much to him to even consider risking it, but still… You can’t control what you think, just what you do. 

 

“You’re staring at me again, do I have something on my face?”

 

Sam jumped, shaking his head a little too quickly. “Wh-what? No, sorry, I just spaced out I guess, you’re good.”

 

Gabriel nodded slowly, lightly pushing his shoulder. “Get to bed, it’s late and you need sleep.” Of course Gabriel would brush it off as being tired, they were good like that, cared enough to make sure he was taking care of himself, which he rarely was if he was being honest. 

 

“Y-yeah, of course, you should sleep too…” Gabriel’s eyes flashed with… Something, something that Sam didn’t like at all, and he gently took their hand. “Hey… What is it..?”

 

Gabriel look down, squeezing his hand. “I’m just… It’s nothing really, don’t worry about me.” Sam raised an eyebrow at them, and they sighed, sagging slightly. “I’ve been having nightmares again, it’s no big deal I just… Haven’t really been sleeping well, it’s fine.”

 

Sam sighed, biting his lip. This would be the perfect excuse, and he has to remind himself he absolutely hasn’t been dying to get Gabe in his bed for the last six months, taking a measured breath before squeezing their hand. “Come sleep with me… My bed’s plenty big enough, and you can wake me up if you have a nightmare.”

 

Gabriel hesitated for a moment, slowly looking Sam over, and Sam’s heart nearly stopped as they read him, finally meeting his gaze. “If you’re sure… That would be nice.”

 

Sam relaxed slightly before he realized what exactly he had just gotten himself into, then it took him a minute to remember how to breathe, but still, he was helping Gabe up, gently leading them to his room. “Of course I’m sure, we’re basically dating remember?” 

 

Of  course they wouldn’t. That conversation was ages ago, it hadn’t been brought up since, but they didn’t look to perturbed, just smiled softly and nodded. “I guess we are, you just wanna get in my pants, don’t you?”

 

Sam’s laugh sounded forced even to his own ears, but Gabriel never called him on it, just crawled into the bed and curled up under the blankets, looking up at Sam expectantly when he didn’t immediately join them. “Something wrong..?” 

 

“You’re cute,” Sam choked out before he could think better of it, slipping in on the opposite side of the bed and forcing his breathing to remain even, willing the buzzing he couldn’t place out of his veins. 

 

“I know I am,” Gabriel hummed, nuzzling against him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And maybe it was, to anyone who wasn’t Sam. Except, those were Sam’s arms winding around their waist almost like it was natural, almost like he wasn’t terrified, and almost like this wasn’t the best feeling in the world. “Now get to sleep you oaf.”

 

Sam nodded, but he couldn’t quite will his eyes to close just yet. Wasn’t sure he could will himself to do anything, his body was running solely on autopilot, how else could he explain why his hand was gently brushing over the soft skin of Gabrie’s side where their shirt had rucked up, why he was kissing their forehead and hugging them closer. It wasn’t what he’d intended, though he couldn’t bring himself to think of it as unpleasant either. 

 

“Sam, you’re staring again,” they were right, of course they were, and he should stop. Close his eyes, look away, but they were so cute and so, so close and it would be so easy to- “Sam, sweetheart… Stop, it’s okay…”

 

Sam frowned, biting his lip. “It’s..? What..?”

 

Gabriel smiled softly, gently cupping his cheek and wiping away the tears Sam wasn’t aware he’d shed. “You don’t have to push yourself, it’s fine. Why don’t you tell me what you want and we can start there?”

 

Sam blushed, leaning into their hand, allowing himself a moment to enjoy the touch before forcing himself to respond. “I haven’t… I can’t stop thinking about you, like… I want to be with you, I want to be okay enough to be with you, but I don’t… I don’t want to risk losing you…”

 

“I’m not going anywhere Sam, I won’t let you push me away.” Gabriel smiled slightly, gently taking Sam’s hand in theirs. “I’m yours Sam, we can take it as slow as you need. I don’t want you to push yourself into something you aren’t ready for and scare yourself into thinking this isn’t what you want, alright..?”

 

Sam nodded slightly, squeezing their hand. “I’ll… I’ll try, it’s… I’ve always faked it, since her, I’ve let my… I’ve let them lead and just taken whatever came I don’t know how… I don’t know if I can be in control, I don’t know how to be…”

 

“I’m not going to ask you for anything Sam,” Gabriel gently lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles, and Sam’s once again surprised by how easily his body responds, dropping their hand in lieu of cradling their cheek. “I’m not going to take or ask or expect anything of you. You can take whatever you need, whatever you want. If I don’t like something I’ll let you know, but barring that you’re free to use me as you will. I love you Sam, way too much to let something as stupid your self imposed expectations ruin us.”

 

Sam nodded slowly, brushing his thumb over their lips and startling when they kissed it softly. “I… I’d like to kiss you, I think… If it’s okay, we don’t-”

 

“I’d like that a lot.”

 

Sam paled, taking a breath and gently stroking their cheek. He wasn’t wholly convinced he remembered  _ how  _ to kiss, it had been way too long, and Gabriel was way too close, and this was all too much, but of course, his brain still wasn’t invited to the party, because he was leaning in despite the ice cold panic in his chest, carefully moving his lips against theirs despite his shaking fingers. 

 

“I don’t know if I’ll be good at this,” it was the first thing he could think of, whispered against Gabriel’s skin, still close enough that their lips brushed together as he talked, his eyes still glued shut even though he couldn’t remember closing them.

 

“You don’t have to be, just no quitting on me.” Gabriel whispered back. There were fingers in his hair, when had that happened? Why did it feel so good. 

 

Once again Sam’s talking before his brain can weigh in on the decision, “I w-won’t… I promise I won’t.” He wasn’t sure he could keep that promise, but hell did he want to. Gabriel felt so good against him, they fit, they were comfortable and safe and solid, and for the first time in years he felt like his head was above water. “As long as y-you don’t quit on me.”

 

“Never.” They said it with so much conviction Sam could almost believe them. Almost. But the way they had wrapped themselves entirely around him helped, and the warm breath against his neck was more comforting than he remembered, and he was asleep well before he could dwell on the fear twisting his stomach. 

 

Gabriel, for their part, didn’t so much as stir the whole night through.


	33. Chapter 33

If there’s one thing Sam’s good at, it’s doing what he’s told. It’s a specialty of sorts, he can do anything in the world if someone just  _ tells  _ him too; of course, the flip side of the coin is that he’s absolutely terrible at doing what he wants. It terrifies him. So once he actually gets with Gabriel, and they insist on him only ever taking what he wants… He exists in a constant state of panic.

 

He can’t take a step forward because he’s terrified of pushing too far, he can’t take a step back because he’s terrified of disappointing them, he can’t keep doing what they’ve been doing because that isn’t a relationship.

  
  


The last thing Gabriel wanted was to make Sam feel worse than he usually did, but they absolutely did not want to push. It wasn’t until they caught Sam staring longingly at their hand a handful of months later, still scared to take that final step of actually  _ holding  _ it, that they caved, taking the initiative and lacing their fingers together. “I don’t bite you know, you used to be just fine touching me.”

 

Sam whimpered, flinching away slightly. “I’m s-sorry, I know I was, I know I’m being stupid I j-just can’t… It’s stupid.” 

 

Gabriel sighed, gently tugging Sam’s arm until he hesitantly allowed himself to be pulled into their lap - frankly a ridiculous perch considering Sam was easily twice their size - but for once he allowed himself to be held, trying his best to keep his attention trained on the soft hand lightly tracing his spine and not the cold terror growing in his gut. 

 

Of course he had known Gabriel would figure out this was all a waste of time,  _ he  _ was a waste of time, he’d just been hoping to hold out a little longer, maybe build up enough confidence to actually hold them like he wanted, at least once, but he couldn’t imagine any other reason for them to hold him like this other than to keep him calm as they told him they were moving out, leaving him.

 

It wasn’t a new feeling, not really, but it had been a long time. He hadn’t cared about anyone enough since Jess to actually feel his chest aching at the prospect of losing them, and he found himself struggling to draw breath into his burning lungs.

 

“Sam, Sammy sh… Just breathe for me okay? I’ve got you, it’s okay… Come on Samshine, deep breath like I taught you…” He’s vaguely aware of Gabriel’s fingers in his hair, the steady beat of their heart against his cheek, and he forces himself to focus on that like they told him, doing his best to breathe.  _ Thunk-  _ inhale  _ thunk-thunk- _ exhale. 

 

“There you are, it’s alright sweetheart, we’ll stay like this as long as you need alright? I love you so much sweet boy, I’m not going anywhere.”    
  
Sam slowly relaxed, pressing into Gabriel’s hand when they moved to wipe away his tears. “P-please don’t l-leave me…” 

 

Gabriel chuckled softly, gently pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I’m not going anywhere Samshine, I love you so much. You’re my night sky, remember? But we do need to talk, nothing bad, whenever you’re ready. Take your time alright? I’ve got you…”

 

By the time Sam shifted, Gabe’s legs were past the point of numb and their arms were beginning to ache from the strain of holding him in place, but his breathing was steady and his heartbeat was back to normal so they couldn’t bring themselves to complain. 

 

“S-sorry, I’m sorry, I’m okay now…” 

 

Gabriel shook their head, kissing him softly. “You have nothing to apologize for sweetheart, why don’t we go to bed and we can talk a little bit, yeah..?”

 

Sam nodded, allowing himself to be lead to the bedroom. He tensed slightly when Gabriel moved to help him out of his jeans, but let himself be comforted with soft kisses and gentle touches until he was changed into a pair of sweats and his favorite worn flannel. “There you go, that’s better huh, sweetheart? Can I get you anything?    
  
Sam shook his head, and they kissed him softly instead, gently helping him into bed and crawling in next to him. “You handled that so well, I’m so proud of you angel, you’re getting so much better at breathing, just like I showed you…” Gabriel smiled, gently stroking his hair, and for once Sam let himself be coddled, enjoyed the soft touches and kind words without letting himself read too far into them.    
  
“Wh-what was it you wanted to talk about exactly..?” He doesn’t want to ask, actually it’s the last thing he wants. He doesn’t want to have to think, doesn’t want to risk upsetting Gabriel and ruining their night yet again, but if they want to talk he can power through it, he can do anything if someone tells him to, whether he wants to or not.

 

Gabriel sighed, gently taking his hands. “Sam, I promise you it’s nothing bad. I just want to know what you want. What I can do to make this easier on you. The last thing I ever wanted was to cause you more stress.”

 

“I… I don’t know… It’s not you Gab, really it’s all on me I’m sorry… I’m really sorry…” Of course he’d made Gabriel feel bad, the last thing he ever wanted in the world and it was the only thing he was good at. 

 

Gabriel shook their head, smiling softly. “Sammy stop, I’m not upset, you have nothing to apologize for. I’ve known since before we even met in person that you had problems, you’ve never lied to me or hidden any of this from me, I know perfectly well that this is a lot and I’m so so proud of all the progress you made. I have my own set of issues, you know I do, and do you love me any less for them?” They chuckled at Sam’s immediate head shake and kissed his forehead. “Then why would I stop loving you because you aren’t perfect?”

 

Sam bit his lip, nodding slightly. “I… I guess that makes sense…”

 

“Damn right it does, I love you so much Sam, that isn’t going away because you’re scared. I know how hard this is, I know what it’s like to keep opening yourself up just to get hurt, and I know that you’re trying your best. I’m proud of you, and I’m so so happy that you’re giving me this chance, I’m only asking because I want to make things easier for  _ you _ , I’m happy, so long as I’m with you, I’m so  _ so  _ happy.”

 

“Y-you make me happy,” Sam whispered, looking away shyly. Of course it was true, Gabriel made him feel safe, they made him smile and they made him feel loved and protected and cherished and everything he thought was lost to him forever, but… it never made anything any easier.

 

Gabriel smiled, Sam’s favorite smile, the one that was soft around the edges and warm and so damn adoring it  _ hurt _ , and kissed him softly. “That’s all I ever want... “

 

Sam took a deep breath, closing his eyes and giving himself a minute to build up the courage to actually talk. “M-maybe if you took over sometimes… I kn-know you want me to try to get used to taking what I want but I… I’m not- used to it that is… It’s a lot and I don’t… I don’t even have a baseline of what’s okay… I’m p-perfectly capable of anything from talking to having sex to… to everything that comes with a relationship, I’m just… I don’t like initiating, I’m not comfortable with it, I feel like I’m asking too much, even if in my head I know it’s not… If… If you took too sometimes I think I’d feel better…”

 

It took them a minute, but eventually Gabriel nodded, gently cradling his cheek. “Just so long as you promise me you’ll tell me if I take too much. I never ever want anything if you don’t want it too, alright?”

 

Sam purred, leaning into the touch and curling himself around Gabriel as much as he could. “I promise… I’m… I feel safe with you, I’m okay with anything really… Unless you’re into some really kinky shit, if you want to cut me up or piss on me or something we might need to talk about it.”

 

Gabriel’s surprised laugh was better than music to Sam's ears, and he basked in the fact that he had caused it for a moment before pulling them into a short kiss. “Thank you.”

  
“Of course Samshine, you know I’d do anything for you.”


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I did say this was based on a song...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUANdFZdQVY)   
> 

Sam doesn’t ever really get better at taking what he wants, but he does slowly allow it to be more obvious when he wants something, and Gabriel learns to pick it up from there. Instead of taking their hand when he wants to he’ll meet their eye and look between their hands, when he wants to hold them he’ll glance between them and his lap until they get the message and curl up against him. 

 

It isn’t a perfect method, but it’s a start, and Gabriel feels much better knowing that Sam is still getting what he wants, whether it’s through his own actions or theirs, and with the change: they got better at realizing Sam meant it when he said it was okay to take. He didn’t startle as much as Gabriel had expected whenever they initiated anything between them, and after a few months of slowly testing boundaries they weren’t particularly scared to press for anything they wanted, they learned Sam  _ would  _ said no when he didn’t want something, and he was much less skittish whenever things got heated.

 

Of course, that should have been expected. Sam was the one with experience with relationships. He was hurt, and he was scared, but he was also the only one who knew what the fuck he was doing when it came to anything sappy or romantic or sexual or… Anything, whereas Gabriel only had a clue how to calm him down and read his body language. 

 

Sam never complained, of course he didn’t, Gabriel was patient with him, they made him feel safe and whole and, for the first time in five years, he feels like maybe he isn’t living in a nightmare. The stars seem brighter again, the fog over the day lifted, old hobbies are fun again,  _ life _ is fun again, and while he still hurts, he still misses Jessica every day of his life, it isn’t the mind-numbing, all encompassing pain it once was.

 

Gabriel, on the other hand, was far from happy with how little they actually contributed to the relationship. They could comfort him, sure, they supported him and loved him with everything they had, but they were no good at the little things. The sweet words Sam would whisper into their hair, the way his fingers danced over their heated skin while they struggled to regain their breath together in bed, the way they could make a simple glance into something heavy, something that tore the air from their lungs and made their heart dance in their chest, that was all impossible for them to duplicate, to even know where to begin.

 

They were, however, pretty decent at plotting. Of course they were, the way they had grown up they had to be, anything and everything had needed to be plotted ages in advance if he wanted to get away with it living with his psycho brother, and when it came to plotting with Sam… Well, it wasn’t like they had to try very hard to gather information with Sam trusting them as much as he did. 

 

It also helped that Sam was a creature of habit. Get up at five, jog until six, wash up and get dressed, leave for work at six forty-five, home at five fifteen, shower, paperwork in his office until six thirty, and then curl up with Gabe on the couch. 

 

It was easy to slip out when he wasn’t there, to set everything up while Sam was at work, they could afford to put off their commissions for a few extra days - or weeks, they really weren’t good with words, and still have everything tucked away by the time Sam paid them any mind. 

 

It was just as easy to slip their note into the hollow log they’d snuck into his office earlier that day while Sam was in the shower, hide behind one of the fake trees he’d made and slip the ring out of their pocket, inspect the silver band, trace their fingers over the faint lines of  _ yours truly  _ etched into the titanium, and otherwise wait out the eternity and a half Sam spent in his fifteen minute shower. 

 

It only made sense Gabriel would be the one to propose, the prospect of putting himself out there like that again would be asking far too much after how it had ended for Sam last time. Honestly the thought hadn’t even crossed Sam’s mind. They were happy as they were, it was easy, safe,  _ good.  _ Why would he want to mess with it?   
  
Even if it had been something he’d considered, it still wouldn’t have prepared him for the inherent forest his office had become, or the log on the floor in place of his chair. “What the hell are you up to Gab,” of course he doesn’t expect a reply, they’d never go that easy on him. 

 

“I thought we agreed to discuss kinky shit,” he laughed softly, utterly at a loss, but still, there was something familiar about the set up, and he sunk down on top of the log, instinctively reaching into the hollow and tugging out the neatly folded letter. 

 

_ Dear my someday, _

 

_ I suppose that someday has come, huh? I don’t know what I was thinking when I started that name, I never in a million years thought we would wind up where we are today, but honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way, it turned out to be pretty fitting huh? It’s been four years, today, you know. Since I first wrote that letter. You wouldn’t remember, I only do cause it happened to be the day I sold a painting and I have a date on the paperwork, but I’m really glad it worked out that way, because you know me and making sure everything is perfect.  _

 

_ You know Sam, I had no idea what I was thinking when I was writing that first letter, I never told you this but I almost just ripped it up. I didn’t expect you to respond, I thought, if anything, you’d be pissed for someone invading your privacy, but I wanted more than anything for you to know you weren’t alone. I’m not sure why, maybe because I knew how it felt to be alone and didn’t want to think of someone else feeling like I did, or maybe there was some angel on my shoulder telling me to just reply. Whatever it was, I guess neither of us are so alone anymore, huh?  _

 

_ I know I’m not so good at showing it, not like you anyway, but I love you more than anything Samshine, so much it hurts. I never really learned how to deal with that, I never really learned what it’s like to rely on someone else, to let them pick up where I can’t or take over where they need me to, but this past year… Everything is right. I’m doing far better than I ever was alone, and I hope to God I give you the same comfort/help/fulfillment you give me every day.  _

 

_ You’re incredible, Sam, you truly are. I hope you know how proud I am of you, how much I appreciate everything you do for me and how much I admire everything you  _ do _. You’re brilliant, you’re sweet and funny and loyal and so so hard working. I know you still hurt, but just look how far you’ve come. You have a family again, you’ve found love, you’ve forgiven Dean no matter how much he’s hurt you, you’re happy and safe and alive and… Honestly it’s amazing.  _

 

_ You know, I never realized just how lonely I was until I met you, I thought I was just fine getting by with Max, burying myself in my art and not giving a damn about the world, but Lord knows how wrong I was, but I never  _ have  _ to be that lonely again... neither of us do, and I for one love the sound of that.  _

 

_ Samuel Winchester, you are by far the most amazing man I’ve ever met, I’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing my life with, and I don’t know about you, but I think I’m gonna cling onto that with everything I have. I love you so much, Sam, more than I could ever put into words, and for whatever weird, twisted reason, you love me too. So I was wondering, would you do me the honor of letting me take your hand in marriage? _

 

Sam choked on a sob, pressing his hand over his mouth and looking up from the letter, only to find Gabriel perched on the log beside him. “Well, will ya?” They’re doing the best to hide it, but Sam can still see the trembling in their fingers where they’re clinging to the ring, and he watches with detached interest as he covers their shaking hands with his own. 

 

Much like the rest of him, his mouth apparently works without being bidden, and he hears himself choke out a breathless “o-oh God Gabriel… Of course I will,” and after that he doesn’t have to worry, because Gabriel’s there, wrapping him in a tight hug and kissing away his tears. 

 

After a long hug, probably longer than really acceptable, Gabriel’s words start to pierce through the blood rushing through his ears. “I love you, I love you so much Sam, so so much… I’m so happy, fuck I love you... “

 

“I love you too,” this time he has to work way too hard to make his mouth work, but it’s worth it. Especially when Gabriel pulls away from him just enough to slide the metal band onto his finger before dragging him back against their chest. 

 

“D-don’t you go l-leaving me too, okay..?” He can’t really tell if he’d meant to speak the words, he’s never been the best at telling what thoughts he should keep to himself, but the comfort he feels when Gabriel tightens their arms around him put any doubts about it to rest. 

 

“Never Sam, I’m yours. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow I'm fucking emotional. I don't know who actually reads these things but I'M GONNA FUCKING WRITE SOMETHING ANYWAY OKAY DEAL WITH IT
> 
> This was a fucking lot to write, this is based very very heavily on my life. The only person who might maybe read this already knows that (HI ROSE), but anyway, this was a fucking lot. In case you're curious, I'm Sam. Jessica's(Kristin's) death was very much real, I was there holding her hand. 
> 
> (All of Sam's friends are real too, the suicide and car accident are all real events.. There are actually some direct quotes from some of these people thrown in here, f u n f a c t.) 
> 
> ((((Yes Gabriel is based on someone too, and the feelings Sam has for them are very much my own towards this person, but it's slightly more complicated than it's written... but whose love story is this perfect, anyway? Perfect is overrated.))))
> 
> Writing this has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but it's been a fucking blast. I used to write based more heavily on my personal life (I'm a movie character, I've got tragic back stories for DAYS) but it hasn't really been something I've touched on in a while, after writing this it might be something I go back to.
> 
> Honestly, I know this story was totally self indulgent, in format and content, I didn't expect anyone to read it, so anyone that gave it a chance, it means the world to me, thank you. 
> 
> Now why the hell are you actually reading this? Get back to your wonderful life and go read something much better than my sob story <3


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